


How Could I Ever Get Over You?

by Dogsled



Series: Season 13 Codas [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode: s13e03 Patience, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Praying to Castiel, References to The Notebook, Shippy Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 02:19:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12520756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dogsled/pseuds/Dogsled
Summary: Jack overhears something he oughtn't.SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERSThat is all.





	How Could I Ever Get Over You?

This place was a prison.

 

Jack had felt it from the moment they’d come down here. It was supposed to be a home – that was how Sam and Dean had described it – but it didn’t feel that way to Jack. There was pain and death here. He could smell it in the air, feel it in the way the walls seemed to resonate trauma. Dust and broken stone filled one of the rooms, and Jack hated it almost from the first moment he stepped inside.

 

“He’s going in the room next to mine,” Dean insisted, and there was no arguing with him. Sam seemed to feel that just as strongly as Jack did. Dean was in no state to be disobeyed.

 

Jack was almost grateful for the room. It decreased his range of perception right down to four walls, and was the first space he’d had entirely to himself since before he was born. Four walls enclosed him, gave him a feeling of safety, and a place to retreat to when Dean’s glaring at him was too hard to bear.

 

Jack knew what he saw in Dean’s eyes. It didn’t matter that Sam insisted that Dean didn’t hate him because Dean had told him, straight to his face, that he was going to kill him. There was no doubt at all, to Jack, that he meant it, and while in some way Jack thought the truth was that he should be grateful that someone was willing to step up, the truth was it terrified him. He didn’t want to be evil – he didn’t _feel_ evil – and he _didn’t want to die_.

 

Perhaps if he stayed in his room Dean would forget he existed. Perhaps if he stayed in his room he wouldn’t become what Dean feared he would—what _he_ feared he would. Asmodeus’ influence frightened him. Even now he could feel the darkness trying to invade his mind, insisting on his obedience. It frightened him. The world outside his door _frightened him_.

 

He was sitting on his bed when he heard it.

 

_Castiel. Cas._

 

It sounded like grief, as though the whole word was formed out of loss. For a moment, Jack had no idea where it was coming from. It seemed to be in his head, spoken like one of his own thoughts.

 

_Jesus… Cas, I miss you. I can’t do this without you. I don’t know if you can hear me._

Not his own thoughts, then. They were Dean’s.

 

Jack stood up slowly, his eyes on the wall opposite his bed. Why was Dean speaking into his head? _How was he doing it?_ Jack could almost feel the emotion like it was his own. It overwhelmed him, a cresting wave that seemed to suck all the air out of the room. Was this how Dean felt?

 

It was familiar. A little. A feeling he was becoming more familiar with. He grieved his mother, and Castiel, he just… It was all so new.

_I’m sorry. You don’t know how much he reminds me of you. Every little thing he does, it’s like… I should be better at this. I should, but I can’t. I miss you so much that it’s killing me, and I can’t talk to Sam about it because every time I try he has this expression like I should just magically get over it. Like I should get over_ you _._

_How could I ever get over you?_

 

Jack pressed his hand against the wall. It almost felt like he could feel Dean’s emotion through the solid brick, like if he reached out he could lay his hand on his shoulder. Jack wasn’t sure if that would help. Dean didn’t seem to particularly like being touched, and Jack was far too wary to force physical contact on anyone when nobody had ever touched him. It didn’t feel right.

 

 _I don’t know how to do this without you. I know you can’t hear me, but so help me I will pray every day._ Every day _, Cas, you hear me?_

Jack traced the contours of each brick with his fingertip.

_You’re never coming back. I know it. You’re never going to come back, and every day is going to feel this empty. Every day I’m going to have to live on without you, and I don’t know if I can take it. I don’t know if I can be good enough._

A knock came on the door. Hesitantly Jack pulled his hand away, but he could still hear the voice in his head even when Sam poked his head inside.

_I need you, Cas. I needed you. We’re not whole without you._


End file.
